Retirement

"I'm still waiting for a gold asteroid to crash in the backyard!"

Treasure Hunting

After recently purchasing a metal detector, a man was asked what kind of loot he'd collected so far. He answered enthusiastically with:

"I found a dime, 11 pennies, and a pink aluminum ring that says 'India'!"

Money well spent. 

Insult Fail

[Guy] "You ride the small bus!"
[Girl] "Sounds like you should be riding the short bus with me"

Creepy

[Girl] "Why do you have pictures of dead birds on your phone?"
[Guy] "Because their heads are in my freezer"