Women in the Work Place

When asked why a woman was crying, the man replied: 

"She probably got her tit caught in a printer"

Say What?

"Screw the Expense! Buy the damn cat a goldfish, I need new gloves!"

The Crusty Scotsman Says

"People do funny things with pelicans"

Vagina On The Mind

"So apparently it's not vagina-al, it's vaga-nal."

Retirement

"I'm still waiting for a gold asteroid to crash in the backyard!"

Treasure Hunting

After recently purchasing a metal detector, a man was asked what kind of loot he'd collected so far. He answered enthusiastically with:

"I found a dime, 11 pennies, and a pink aluminum ring that says 'India'!"

Money well spent. 

Insult Fail

[Guy] "You ride the small bus!"
[Girl] "Sounds like you should be riding the short bus with me"

Creepy

[Girl] "Why do you have pictures of dead birds on your phone?"
[Guy] "Because their heads are in my freezer"

Bad Conversationalist

"Have I ever told you about my hang nails?"

Man to Man

Recently, while sharing a few beers and swapping fishing stories, two men strayed into strange territory:

 "Are you saying you're not man enough to buy your own dildo?"

Proving That Men Really Do Think Like That

Girl: "Doesn't she have really long hair?"
Boy: "Yeah - but what does that have to do with her vagina?"
Girl:  "I wasn't asking about her vagina...."
Boy:  "Oh."

Grocery Shopping

" I don't know if this is bread or granola, but either way I'm stoked!"

Too Drunk

"I had a baby"
"What?!"
"I mean baby sitter" 

Smooth Moves

"You are the most beautiful, most intelligent woman I've ever met.... I should probably stop thrusting huh?"

Not So Smooth

-A man said to a woman "Would you like me to poke you? It might make you thinner." 

Men in The Kitchen

"Grate cheese for satan"

Once Again, Proud

"She liked the way I handled my snake." 

Guinea Pig in My Leg?

"Haven't you ever gotten a real bad leg cut? Guinea pig!" 

Wtf?

"She smells like femurs" 

A Little Too Proud

"I can control ALL my body parts"

An Old Saying Gone Hipster

"Speak softly, but carry a very large mustache."

A Movie Review

"That was a great movie....I liked all the fighting!"

Is That A Compliment?

"You have nice breasts.... I like that about you"